G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (PG-13) ★★

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

G.I. Joe is a top-secret, multi-national special forces unit comprised of highly-trained, physically attractive military personnel from around the world. Equipped with the latest in superawesome vehicles and weaponry and guided by the tough but fair General Hawk, they take on the baddest of the bad guys, the kind of terrorists that scoff at conventional organizations. As the General himself so aptly states, "When all else fails, we don't."

That credo is put to the test, however, when a shadowy terrorist group armed with even awesomer vehicles and weaponry, like crazy-ass laser guns and computer-guided zombie troopers, infiltrates the Joes' compound and makes off with a cache of four WMDs, each of which is capable of leveling an entire city. Do the men and women of G.I. Joe have what it takes to defeat these menacing new adversaries before they mount their next devastating attack?

WHO'S IN IT?

It takes an elite group of actors to play an elite group of soldiers, and the cast of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is stocked with an abundance of Hollywood's most talented performers, all adorned in various types of leather fetish apparel. White Chicks star Marlon Wayans plays Ripcord, a flight specialist who can pilot any type of airplane, even enemy crafts that respond only to voice commands uttered in Celtic. Channing Tatum, star of Step Up and Step Up 2: The Streets, plays his best pal Duke, a badass infantryman who knows no fear. Preeminent ginger chick Rachel Nichols showcases her fiery crimson locks as Scarlett, a shrewd intel expert whose stoic exterior hides a growing attraction to Ripcord. Barking out the orders as General Hawk is Enemy Mine star Dennis Quaid.

On the side of the bad guys is the Baroness, played by Factory Girl star Sienna Miller in a push-up bra, dirty librarian glasses and a raven-colored dye job. She's the point woman for McMullen, a shady Scottish weapons magnate played by Christopher Eccleston. But McMullen is no ordinary shady Scottish weapons magnate; he's covertly amassed a huge terrorist empire headquartered beneath the polar ice caps. It's there that "The Doctor," a horribly disfigured mad scientist played by (500) Days of Summer star Joseph Gordon-Levitt, concocts all sorts of diabolical new weapons and gadgets to unleash on the innocent.

Oh, and there are ninjas, too. Good guy Snake Eyes, played by Ray Park, wears sleek black body armor, while the evil Storm Shadow, played by Byung-hun Lee, runs around in a updated version of Elvis Presley's classic all-white jumpsuit.

WHAT'S GOOD?

Loaded with scene after scene of high-tech action-movie eye candy, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra assaults the senses with such a relentless barrage of over-the-top stunts, eye-popping visual effects and stylized fight sequences that only the most coldly cynical of viewers will be able to resist submitting to its visceral charms.

WHAT'S BAD?

As with most sugary indulgences, the sweet, dizzying high is followed almost immediately by a painful crash. Feelings of guilt and shame start to simmer as you kick yourself for yielding to such soulless gluttony. The next morning, you awake with a throbbing headache and a heart filled with regret. The following day, a doctor informs you that you have adult-onset diabetes. So in a nutshell, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is the cinematic equivalent of adult-onset diabetes.

FAVORITE SCENE?

The scene where they have the big fight with all the advanced weapons and a whole bunch of stuff blows up. Oh wait, that's EVERY scene.

PARTING SHOT

For the bulk of his performance, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's face is obscured by a bulky breathing apparatus and his voice is altered to sound like the computerized movie trailer's narrator. Which makes one wonder why they bothered to hire a name actor for the role in the first place.

Hollywood.com rated this film 2 stars.